They make you fast.
Fast.
As in you are not allowed to consume anything until said blood test is administered. This wonder woman can put up with a lot, but not eating, is NOT one of them. In fact, it has been brought to this wonder woman's attention on several occasions that eating is what makes her pleasant most of the time. Not eating causes her to spiral into a dark corner of her psyche, usually leading in short tempered spats, name calling, and generally un-wonderful behavior.
That being said, I did not eat anything for breakfast. I was good. I got up early, drove to the lab, and was one of the first through the door. One, being the key word. It seems that this wonder woman was not the only person hungry this morning due to fasting, and there was quite the line leading to the blood drawing room. I would say approximately 7-13 people were at that lab at 8:00am, all hungry, caffeine deprived and fussy. One woman in her workout clothes slammed down her insurance papers like a bat out of hell. One man kept yelling at his almost identical teenage sons as they waited outside. One woman came dressed to the nines in a long black dress, red lipstick and six inch heels with black pom poms in the front. Apparently she was going to a gala after getting her blood done. I just sat. Quiet and anxious. My stomach did the talking for me.
When my turn finally arrived I told the woman I hadn't had anything to eat or drink, just as I was instructed. Turns out water was not under that ruling. She quickly gave me paper cup after little paper cup of water, and poked me straight and true. Sadly, my blood was not as alert and cooperative as I was.
WARNING: For those of you wonder women/supermen out there who a tish on the squeamish side, please brace yourselves. This is gonna be good.
It dripped, dripped, dripped out of me. It was the slowest race I'd ever won. She made me squeeze a fist. She tied up my arm nice and tight. She made me hold a hot pack. Drip, drip, drip. She turned her sights on a new vein and poked the other arm. Drip, drip, drip. The deep red liquid was not in any hurry. However, the nurse was. She remarked on how cold I was, how much I had to drink, but nothing seemed to be the cause of my slowly trickling blood. Finally, after almost three times the amount of time it usually takes, my tubes were filled and I was free to go, a bandage firmly taped on each arm. I drove home like a mad woman, I could already taste the onion bagel waiting for me.
The cold she described has yet to fade. And I think I'll have another onion bagel...
Poked and prodded, WW
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